10 Things I Wish I'd Known About Learning to Breastfeed
1) It's. hard. So bloody hard.
Personally I found that breastfeeding is romanticised. Discussions beforehand focus on all the benefits of breastfeeding, but very little is done and explained to help the mother cope with breastfeeding, or even to tell her 'how it's gonna go'. My health visitor and midwife liked saying later 'nothing can prepare you for breastfeeding', but to me that's a bit empty - more could definitely be done. The videos of breastfeeding all show this perfect infant (who is usually older and established at feeding) who does just the right mouth shape, doesn't shake it's head around or put it's arms in the way, and a mother with 'textbook nipples' (whatever the hell that is!!!) looking refreshed, well slept, well fed herself (yeah right!). The baby latches on just right the first time and the theme of the video is 'see! It's easy!' The reality is completely different... why not cover 'possible problems and ways to deal with them' in antenatal classes rather than just responding to a mum when she has problems after baby is born? It's embarrassing to call a health visitor or midwife and say "I'm not getting this, will you come and watch me feed" because often we barely know these people by the time we give birth and are expected to share so personally. I found this reluctance to speak to professionals was reinforced by the blame culture "It's probably that you're getting the latch wrong" - before they even check for other possible causes (I wasn't getting the latch wrong actually! (But more on that later). I wasn't about to call them again so they could hint that it was my fault or tell me to try something I'd already tried. I bet soooo many mums switch to bottle rather than making THAT phone call (again). I became a breastfeeding expert using the internet in order to avoid making that phone call - and suffered longer than I needed to as a result.
2). It's so worth it in the end
Things were bad for me for 8 weeks. Now that may or may not seem like a long time, but I assure you, having experienced the anticipation and the actuality of intense pain almost EVERY feed, every 2 hours every day... it felt like a VERY long time. I carried on, and now am so proud that I did. I still managed to enjoy it at times before, but now I love breastfeeding. I didn't realise how much the pain stopped me from enjoying feeding until after it was gone. I used to watch DVDs every feed or play solitaire on my phone to distract myself from the pain and get through each feed, but now I generally just sit there and enjoy the moment, or occasionally read (there's only so much gazing into baby eyes you can do!). The only thing that got me through those 8 weeks was my belief that what I was doing was absolutely right, and the belief that some how at some point it would get better. I tried SO many different things, and when times were really tough I reminded myself that once upon a time there was no formula milk and people got through this, knowing that if they gave up there baby got no food. Knowing that reminded me that nature means that nearly every mother can feed her baby (apart from medical problems of course), it's natural, and so eventually we would crack this and find out what works for us.
3) If you have ongoing problems, skip the midwife and health visitor and head straight to the breastfeeding specialist
This way you are dealing with only one person, and she really knows her stuff. Other professionals will have differing experience and opinions, and are constantly weighing your welfare against that of your baby - they may suggest you switch to bottle sooner as generally they have less knowledge on breastfeeding (they are trained in so many different areas they can't cover it all in great depth) and of course their judgement is affected by what they went through themselves when feeding their own children. I found my breastfeeding specialist to be more objective, more knowledgeable, and to look for solutions that suit you AND baby - not either or. If I had gone straight to the specialist I would've saved myself weeks of pain - as in the first visit she identified the problem. She heard me when I said that I had tried all the usual stuff, and so started only on the things I hadn't already tried. It turned out that my baby had a tongue tie and it had been missed twice by other health professionals (breastfeeding specialists often know more about tongue tie too as they usual teach mothers how to nurse babies with tongue ties). Which leads me on to....
4) You have to actually put your hand in a baby's mouth to see if there is a tongue tie!
Looking will not sufficiently diagnose it - that's why my baby's was missed. You have to feel how tight the skin under the tongue is, and really watch the baby's tongue for quite a long time to see if the movement is restricted. My baby had a heart shaped tongue which I now know is a classic sign of tongue tie - and it was still missed twice. Some tongue ties are more obvious and others may look normal (as in my baby's case) but are still too tight.
5) If you get to the point where you have tried all the obvious suggestions from midwives, health visitors, and internet sites ASK FOR HELP
Don't sit there and accept the pain. Call the specialist, don't blame yourself, even when you feel other mothers, family or health professionals seem to think you should. Don't tell yourself, as I did that 'maybe it just hurts some mums, I've tried everything', or 'maybe it's my breasts/nipples that are the problem'. It doesn't have to hurt I promise. And it can be amazing. Don't continue in pain or give up. If you ask for help but don't get what you need ASK AGAIN. It's their job to help you, their job to figure out what's wrong, their job to make you happy and ensure you can breastfeed if you want to and it's not causing health problems so hold them accountable - it's not up to you to solve yourself or accept it as it is.
6) When learning to breastfeed, there will not be time for ANYTHING else and THAT'S OKAY
No cooking. No cleaning. No meeting friends. No sleeping. No showering. No food shopping. No tidying. No uploading photos to facebook.
That's right! You will barely have time to jump in the shower and eat yourself when you are feeding a newborn. If your husband is off work for some time you MAY find you can do a little more . This is one of things I wish they taught you, your partner, your friends and relatives to be ready for at antenatal classes. If your husband wants a cooked meal and a tidy house he will have to do it himself. He will need to change every nappy so that you can grab some extra sleep/ a bite to eat/ get in the shower for 5 minutes. You will find others expectations of breastfeeding are as skewed as your own were before you experienced it! Even those in the generation above that nursed their children have often forgotten what it is like to nurse a new baby and may expect you to have it sussed sooner than you do. They may offer you advice hoping you can learn from their experience but as every baby is different you will have to learn it all your own way in your own time. It is so easy to forget how hard it is to be attached to a new infant 24 hours a day, and to feed on demand. When breastfeeding is new you will feel like it is all you do (the feeds seem longer than they are and the gaps in between seem shorter than they are). When you reach the 2 - 3 month mark you will start to claw your life back and manage to start doing more for yourself again, but allow yourself at least that long. Try and warn friends and relatives in advance that you will not be able to do the basics/ venture out until feeding is established... hopefully this will mean they are more prepared for your hibernation, will help out doing the basics, or at least accept the situation quicker.
7) Don't expect to feed in public until breastfeeding is established
We are very fortunate in that it is becoming easier to feed in public, but that does not mean that by day 3 you will be able to pop to your favourite cafe with your friends and feed whilst there, or head out for a grocery shop and feed midway through the afternoon as needed. First you both need to learn what you're doing, and really you want to be a PRO before you feed in public. If like me, you find the prospect of feeding out daunting, you will want to be sure that the baby latches on easy peasy and there is no pain etc before you start worrying about covering up sufficiently/ managing to hold a baby and get your bra undone, top pulled up without making a mess or a scene all at the same time! The generations before us often didn't have the same option to nurse in public, so may not realise/remember that it is twice as hard to nurse out and about as it is to nurse at home with no one there. The same goes for having visitors over at your house during a feed - unless you are okay with the odd flash/ milk leak in front of visitors, wait until you are established... you can try and plan visits round feeds but you never know when a baby will eat when you feed on demand (another thing said visitors may not realise!).
8) Your baby can help you
Yes you read right! Around about 6 -8 weeks I read about the crawling technique, whereby babies make their own way to the mother's breast. As soon as a read about it I tried it, and right enough - he shuffled his way down to feed. He even knew which side was the fullest! If I had known this in the early days I could've used this technique to determine whether my baby was hungry or not. When your baby is crying, lounge back and place your baby on your chest with his head just below yours. If he is hungry he will attempt (and often succeed) to make his way down to your breast. If not, then it is something else that is bothering them. This is particularly useful if like me, you had a baby that cluster fed constantly for hours as I was always asking myself 'he can't be AGAIN hungry can he?!' If hunger is ruled out it allows you to determine the real problem easier.
Another couple of things I've learned along the way -
- If your baby is squirming while feeding and seems to be latched on properly, he probably has wind, try sitting him up and burping him
- When trying to burp your baby, they will push back on your hand as if to get themselves lying down again - this means they want more food and not more burping!
- Once feeding is established and settling into a rhythm you will find your breast/nipples start to tingle about 10 minutes before a feed is due!! Funny as it is, it's very handy - go to the bathroom, grab food if you're hungry, a drink if you're thirsty, a muslim square, a cushion for your back, get into the mindframe etc while you have the chance, and you'll be ready for your baby when he wakes and/or starts asking for food
9) NO it's not 'just hormones'
It's such a shame that female emotions are judged to be 'hormones' (especially when you're pregnant or breastfeeding)... actually they're feelings! Caused by pain, sleep deprivation, freaky weird body stuff, coping with the new found reality of being an on demand milk cow, the fact that you just leaked everywhere, that you are so restricted leaving the house, that you can't have a shower/eat, can't tidy or clean your house, that your baby is crying and it hurts your heart, that your baby is crying and you don't know why, that you're now responsible for another human being's survival as well as your own, that you don't recognise you're own body, that you can't get 10 minutes to yourself, that you wake up to a crying baby, did I mention pain? And sleep deprivation? Then there's the elation, the pure joy, that suddenly just washes over everything else - and you have to cry that out too because it has no other outlet. No you're not hormonal. You're processing a hell of a lot of stuff ALL the TIME, ALL at the SAME TIME. Yes maybe you randomly cried at a movie - but it was probably because a key phrase, piece of music, or image triggered one of the many emotions you've suppressed in order to do what you needed to do at the time - and finally it's been released. Whatever you feel, feel it. Let it out. And don't dishonour yourself by saying either to yourself or others 'it's just hormones'.
10) It's okay to...
Cry. Scream. Be wrong. Be right. Be angry. Be happy. Trust your instincts against logic. Ignore your instinct in favour of logic. Google everything baby and body related. Do all of the above in the space of 10 minutes. Leave the baby crying when they won't stop no matter what you do to have a bath / take some deep breaths/ go for a walk. Send the husband for a walk with the baby so you can do any and all of the above. However if this is all you ever do then ask for HELP. Go to the doctors and get some counselling, go to a baby group, winge to your heart's content to a disbelieving friend or relative (you've earned it). Don't do it all alone, share yourself, share what you're going through even if (you're worried) others dislike what you have to say. At all times - be true to yourself - what better example can you set to your growing baby?
Personally I found that breastfeeding is romanticised. Discussions beforehand focus on all the benefits of breastfeeding, but very little is done and explained to help the mother cope with breastfeeding, or even to tell her 'how it's gonna go'. My health visitor and midwife liked saying later 'nothing can prepare you for breastfeeding', but to me that's a bit empty - more could definitely be done. The videos of breastfeeding all show this perfect infant (who is usually older and established at feeding) who does just the right mouth shape, doesn't shake it's head around or put it's arms in the way, and a mother with 'textbook nipples' (whatever the hell that is!!!) looking refreshed, well slept, well fed herself (yeah right!). The baby latches on just right the first time and the theme of the video is 'see! It's easy!' The reality is completely different... why not cover 'possible problems and ways to deal with them' in antenatal classes rather than just responding to a mum when she has problems after baby is born? It's embarrassing to call a health visitor or midwife and say "I'm not getting this, will you come and watch me feed" because often we barely know these people by the time we give birth and are expected to share so personally. I found this reluctance to speak to professionals was reinforced by the blame culture "It's probably that you're getting the latch wrong" - before they even check for other possible causes (I wasn't getting the latch wrong actually! (But more on that later). I wasn't about to call them again so they could hint that it was my fault or tell me to try something I'd already tried. I bet soooo many mums switch to bottle rather than making THAT phone call (again). I became a breastfeeding expert using the internet in order to avoid making that phone call - and suffered longer than I needed to as a result.
2). It's so worth it in the end
Things were bad for me for 8 weeks. Now that may or may not seem like a long time, but I assure you, having experienced the anticipation and the actuality of intense pain almost EVERY feed, every 2 hours every day... it felt like a VERY long time. I carried on, and now am so proud that I did. I still managed to enjoy it at times before, but now I love breastfeeding. I didn't realise how much the pain stopped me from enjoying feeding until after it was gone. I used to watch DVDs every feed or play solitaire on my phone to distract myself from the pain and get through each feed, but now I generally just sit there and enjoy the moment, or occasionally read (there's only so much gazing into baby eyes you can do!). The only thing that got me through those 8 weeks was my belief that what I was doing was absolutely right, and the belief that some how at some point it would get better. I tried SO many different things, and when times were really tough I reminded myself that once upon a time there was no formula milk and people got through this, knowing that if they gave up there baby got no food. Knowing that reminded me that nature means that nearly every mother can feed her baby (apart from medical problems of course), it's natural, and so eventually we would crack this and find out what works for us.
3) If you have ongoing problems, skip the midwife and health visitor and head straight to the breastfeeding specialist
This way you are dealing with only one person, and she really knows her stuff. Other professionals will have differing experience and opinions, and are constantly weighing your welfare against that of your baby - they may suggest you switch to bottle sooner as generally they have less knowledge on breastfeeding (they are trained in so many different areas they can't cover it all in great depth) and of course their judgement is affected by what they went through themselves when feeding their own children. I found my breastfeeding specialist to be more objective, more knowledgeable, and to look for solutions that suit you AND baby - not either or. If I had gone straight to the specialist I would've saved myself weeks of pain - as in the first visit she identified the problem. She heard me when I said that I had tried all the usual stuff, and so started only on the things I hadn't already tried. It turned out that my baby had a tongue tie and it had been missed twice by other health professionals (breastfeeding specialists often know more about tongue tie too as they usual teach mothers how to nurse babies with tongue ties). Which leads me on to....
4) You have to actually put your hand in a baby's mouth to see if there is a tongue tie!
Looking will not sufficiently diagnose it - that's why my baby's was missed. You have to feel how tight the skin under the tongue is, and really watch the baby's tongue for quite a long time to see if the movement is restricted. My baby had a heart shaped tongue which I now know is a classic sign of tongue tie - and it was still missed twice. Some tongue ties are more obvious and others may look normal (as in my baby's case) but are still too tight.
5) If you get to the point where you have tried all the obvious suggestions from midwives, health visitors, and internet sites ASK FOR HELP
Don't sit there and accept the pain. Call the specialist, don't blame yourself, even when you feel other mothers, family or health professionals seem to think you should. Don't tell yourself, as I did that 'maybe it just hurts some mums, I've tried everything', or 'maybe it's my breasts/nipples that are the problem'. It doesn't have to hurt I promise. And it can be amazing. Don't continue in pain or give up. If you ask for help but don't get what you need ASK AGAIN. It's their job to help you, their job to figure out what's wrong, their job to make you happy and ensure you can breastfeed if you want to and it's not causing health problems so hold them accountable - it's not up to you to solve yourself or accept it as it is.
6) When learning to breastfeed, there will not be time for ANYTHING else and THAT'S OKAY
No cooking. No cleaning. No meeting friends. No sleeping. No showering. No food shopping. No tidying. No uploading photos to facebook.
That's right! You will barely have time to jump in the shower and eat yourself when you are feeding a newborn. If your husband is off work for some time you MAY find you can do a little more . This is one of things I wish they taught you, your partner, your friends and relatives to be ready for at antenatal classes. If your husband wants a cooked meal and a tidy house he will have to do it himself. He will need to change every nappy so that you can grab some extra sleep/ a bite to eat/ get in the shower for 5 minutes. You will find others expectations of breastfeeding are as skewed as your own were before you experienced it! Even those in the generation above that nursed their children have often forgotten what it is like to nurse a new baby and may expect you to have it sussed sooner than you do. They may offer you advice hoping you can learn from their experience but as every baby is different you will have to learn it all your own way in your own time. It is so easy to forget how hard it is to be attached to a new infant 24 hours a day, and to feed on demand. When breastfeeding is new you will feel like it is all you do (the feeds seem longer than they are and the gaps in between seem shorter than they are). When you reach the 2 - 3 month mark you will start to claw your life back and manage to start doing more for yourself again, but allow yourself at least that long. Try and warn friends and relatives in advance that you will not be able to do the basics/ venture out until feeding is established... hopefully this will mean they are more prepared for your hibernation, will help out doing the basics, or at least accept the situation quicker.
7) Don't expect to feed in public until breastfeeding is established
We are very fortunate in that it is becoming easier to feed in public, but that does not mean that by day 3 you will be able to pop to your favourite cafe with your friends and feed whilst there, or head out for a grocery shop and feed midway through the afternoon as needed. First you both need to learn what you're doing, and really you want to be a PRO before you feed in public. If like me, you find the prospect of feeding out daunting, you will want to be sure that the baby latches on easy peasy and there is no pain etc before you start worrying about covering up sufficiently/ managing to hold a baby and get your bra undone, top pulled up without making a mess or a scene all at the same time! The generations before us often didn't have the same option to nurse in public, so may not realise/remember that it is twice as hard to nurse out and about as it is to nurse at home with no one there. The same goes for having visitors over at your house during a feed - unless you are okay with the odd flash/ milk leak in front of visitors, wait until you are established... you can try and plan visits round feeds but you never know when a baby will eat when you feed on demand (another thing said visitors may not realise!).
8) Your baby can help you
Yes you read right! Around about 6 -8 weeks I read about the crawling technique, whereby babies make their own way to the mother's breast. As soon as a read about it I tried it, and right enough - he shuffled his way down to feed. He even knew which side was the fullest! If I had known this in the early days I could've used this technique to determine whether my baby was hungry or not. When your baby is crying, lounge back and place your baby on your chest with his head just below yours. If he is hungry he will attempt (and often succeed) to make his way down to your breast. If not, then it is something else that is bothering them. This is particularly useful if like me, you had a baby that cluster fed constantly for hours as I was always asking myself 'he can't be AGAIN hungry can he?!' If hunger is ruled out it allows you to determine the real problem easier.
Another couple of things I've learned along the way -
- If your baby is squirming while feeding and seems to be latched on properly, he probably has wind, try sitting him up and burping him
- When trying to burp your baby, they will push back on your hand as if to get themselves lying down again - this means they want more food and not more burping!
- Once feeding is established and settling into a rhythm you will find your breast/nipples start to tingle about 10 minutes before a feed is due!! Funny as it is, it's very handy - go to the bathroom, grab food if you're hungry, a drink if you're thirsty, a muslim square, a cushion for your back, get into the mindframe etc while you have the chance, and you'll be ready for your baby when he wakes and/or starts asking for food
9) NO it's not 'just hormones'
It's such a shame that female emotions are judged to be 'hormones' (especially when you're pregnant or breastfeeding)... actually they're feelings! Caused by pain, sleep deprivation, freaky weird body stuff, coping with the new found reality of being an on demand milk cow, the fact that you just leaked everywhere, that you are so restricted leaving the house, that you can't have a shower/eat, can't tidy or clean your house, that your baby is crying and it hurts your heart, that your baby is crying and you don't know why, that you're now responsible for another human being's survival as well as your own, that you don't recognise you're own body, that you can't get 10 minutes to yourself, that you wake up to a crying baby, did I mention pain? And sleep deprivation? Then there's the elation, the pure joy, that suddenly just washes over everything else - and you have to cry that out too because it has no other outlet. No you're not hormonal. You're processing a hell of a lot of stuff ALL the TIME, ALL at the SAME TIME. Yes maybe you randomly cried at a movie - but it was probably because a key phrase, piece of music, or image triggered one of the many emotions you've suppressed in order to do what you needed to do at the time - and finally it's been released. Whatever you feel, feel it. Let it out. And don't dishonour yourself by saying either to yourself or others 'it's just hormones'.
10) It's okay to...
Cry. Scream. Be wrong. Be right. Be angry. Be happy. Trust your instincts against logic. Ignore your instinct in favour of logic. Google everything baby and body related. Do all of the above in the space of 10 minutes. Leave the baby crying when they won't stop no matter what you do to have a bath / take some deep breaths/ go for a walk. Send the husband for a walk with the baby so you can do any and all of the above. However if this is all you ever do then ask for HELP. Go to the doctors and get some counselling, go to a baby group, winge to your heart's content to a disbelieving friend or relative (you've earned it). Don't do it all alone, share yourself, share what you're going through even if (you're worried) others dislike what you have to say. At all times - be true to yourself - what better example can you set to your growing baby?