Dreams Unfulfilled
Probably the worst thing about my health of late has been my inability to accomplish the many goals I have set myself. They range from the downright mundane - I want to do the clothes washing today, to the large - I want to start my own business. They have come in many shapes and sizes, and for the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I lacked willpower or motivation, focus or follow through. I thought I sabotaged and played it small, I didn't want it bad enough or I wanted it too much.
In fact I just didn't have the energy. Many dreams of mine have come true over the last five or six years - including meeting the love of my life, travelling together and marrying him several times (we have handfasting ceremonies to renew our commitment on top of the legal commitment we have made to each other). We have made and grown three healthy and beautiful children and have many wonderful friends. I have started and completed so much day in day out, and have so many responsibilities and desires. Part of the issue is perspective - noticing what isn't done when so much happens every single day, when the 'basics', by necessity, are not all that basic.
Yet I know the person I was when I met my husband, would have been able to accomplish all of this and more. I know I want to still. I know there are other mums who weren't chronically exhausted by looking after their children in spite of having full time jobs and social lives. Somehow they've replenished what they spent, and thrived in it. I thought that I would, because I truly love the life I have.
And yet the constant exhaustion and the resulting low mood took away my lust for the very life I craved. Getting out of bed was an effort when I knew I would fail at doing the things that mattered to me. I tried dropping my standards, and they remain much lower thank goodness. I've minimalised, removed the people that drain me, realised my true priorities and done only those things. All of these are amazing learning experiences that I am so incredibly grateful for, and would not have learned without this nameless illness.
But I'm still exhausted. I still get down when I don't have the energy to do the things I love - like sing, play with my children, bake, dance, organise, create and so on. I channel all of me into what needs to be done, my non-negotiables (taking care of my family and generally staying sane) and there is nothing left. I often use my spiritual reserves to even do the non-negotiables and end up burnt out and ill all the time.
This is left many of my dreams unfulfilled. It's left me unrealised and at times I've given up hope. Hope that I could ever have any real power in my life. Hope that there is more. Hope that there's an easier more rewarding way of living. I didn't always feel this way, and I'm a positive person. I've developed so much self love, and I'm grateful for all I do and all I have every single moment.
I want you to know that it is possible to be down, to wonder at the purpose of life when it's tough and to simultaneously feel so glad to be here, surrounded by the people you love and care about. It's not black and white. I can be pleased with what I have achieved and still crave more. It's okay if you do too. But I'm not striving for dreams unfulfilled anymore. I am striving to create health in my body, and hoping, praying, that that will naturally lead to improvement in the environment around me. Hoping I can keep all I have and create new adventures, love all I have and allow myself even more.
From my frustrated brain to yours, Bee <3 xxx
In fact I just didn't have the energy. Many dreams of mine have come true over the last five or six years - including meeting the love of my life, travelling together and marrying him several times (we have handfasting ceremonies to renew our commitment on top of the legal commitment we have made to each other). We have made and grown three healthy and beautiful children and have many wonderful friends. I have started and completed so much day in day out, and have so many responsibilities and desires. Part of the issue is perspective - noticing what isn't done when so much happens every single day, when the 'basics', by necessity, are not all that basic.
Yet I know the person I was when I met my husband, would have been able to accomplish all of this and more. I know I want to still. I know there are other mums who weren't chronically exhausted by looking after their children in spite of having full time jobs and social lives. Somehow they've replenished what they spent, and thrived in it. I thought that I would, because I truly love the life I have.
And yet the constant exhaustion and the resulting low mood took away my lust for the very life I craved. Getting out of bed was an effort when I knew I would fail at doing the things that mattered to me. I tried dropping my standards, and they remain much lower thank goodness. I've minimalised, removed the people that drain me, realised my true priorities and done only those things. All of these are amazing learning experiences that I am so incredibly grateful for, and would not have learned without this nameless illness.
But I'm still exhausted. I still get down when I don't have the energy to do the things I love - like sing, play with my children, bake, dance, organise, create and so on. I channel all of me into what needs to be done, my non-negotiables (taking care of my family and generally staying sane) and there is nothing left. I often use my spiritual reserves to even do the non-negotiables and end up burnt out and ill all the time.
This is left many of my dreams unfulfilled. It's left me unrealised and at times I've given up hope. Hope that I could ever have any real power in my life. Hope that there is more. Hope that there's an easier more rewarding way of living. I didn't always feel this way, and I'm a positive person. I've developed so much self love, and I'm grateful for all I do and all I have every single moment.
I want you to know that it is possible to be down, to wonder at the purpose of life when it's tough and to simultaneously feel so glad to be here, surrounded by the people you love and care about. It's not black and white. I can be pleased with what I have achieved and still crave more. It's okay if you do too. But I'm not striving for dreams unfulfilled anymore. I am striving to create health in my body, and hoping, praying, that that will naturally lead to improvement in the environment around me. Hoping I can keep all I have and create new adventures, love all I have and allow myself even more.
From my frustrated brain to yours, Bee <3 xxx