Exorcising the 'Shoulds' from Your Life
This is one of those "one tiny change, great big results" techniques. I have read about this idea in many different forms in so many different self help books, but in my case I think credit goes to Susan Jeffer's 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway', as this is where I read it first. I can't even begin to explain the impact this one simple idea has had on my life - inner and outer... the only way to really understand is to try it out for a day, a week, a month, and I see how it works for you :-)
The premise is simple - words like 'should' remove our personal power. They turn us into victims and the big bad world is our villain. Your boss, the weather, your goals, your weight loss plan etc dictate all the 'have tos' in our lives and make us feel as though our hands are tied and we can't change a thing. And we never have time or energy left for the 'would like tos'. We feel guilty when we don't do the 'have tos and resentful when we do! What we are seeking to remind ourselves by making this change, is that we always have a choice in every second of every day. Yes it might be the choice between a rock and a hard place, yes it might mean that you will starve if you make a certain choice, or will lose all of your friends - but the choice is still there - it's just not one we would necessarily choose to make!!
Removing the 'should' words from your vocabulary helps you to get out of the victim mentality, to see that you do have the power of choice in every situation, and to see that in the end the only person you are accountable to, is YOU. The idea is to remove the word from your internal chatter as well as outer, but starting with the outer is easier as it is much easier to catch. When you hear yourself say a should word try and catch yourself. Just start with the word should to start off with and then when you start catching yourself doing it, correct yourself and use an empowering word instead.
SHOULD WORDS
Should, ought to, suppose, have to, need to, compelled, have a duty, an obligation, I must... and so on
EMPOWERING WORDS
Would like to, aspire to, hope to, want to, choose to, intend to, desire, prefer to, plan to... etc
So as an example, 'I shouldn't eat that cake' becomes 'I could eat that cake, but I choose not to' or 'If I choose eat that cake there will be consequences, but I am deciding it is worth the consequences and having some anyway!'
Another instance would be 'I should go and do some exercise'. Instead you say/think 'I want to go and do some exercise so that I feel fitter/ become slimmer/ have more energy' or 'I don't want to do any exercise even though I know I risk not losing weight this week/feeling lethargic'.
I have chosen two health examples on purpose here. I wanted to show you how you can completely change the approach you take towards an area of your life by removing the should words. With the 'shoulds' in your vocabulary, you send yourself the message that some outside force is MAKING you sacrifice cake and beloved couch time in favour of a healthy snack and exercise. It implies that you have been given a goal by someone outside yourself and then are 'having the whip cracked' constantly - being punished and bullied, pushed and cornered into healthiness. Removing the shoulds means you send a message to yourself that says 'I want this outcome so much that I am willing to change my own lifestyle, for me, and I am benefitting from my own self care'. OR 'I value this slice of cake or this TV day higher than losing a pound this week'. Both put the control in your hands. They help you to understand your true priorities and make peace with it, rather than trying to pretend you want something more than you do.
You can try it in every area of your life. Try it with -
Some of you, like me, will be amazed at how much the should words permeate your vocabulary. I started small; by just beginning to remove the should words a couple of times a day and switching in an empowering word. I found that your brain gets very clever and tries to find more obscure ways to say 'should' to get away with it! Keep your beady eye and ear out!!! This is a continuing ongoing process and there will always be slip ups; for me there are still days where it seems impossible. Once you reach a point where there are generally very few should words in your day to day inner and outer voice, notice when they start cropping back up - it's a sure sign that there's an area of your life you're not happy with, or that you're feeling victimised around and so need to take your power back. I tend to find that when I'm having a 'should' day, there's something bigger going on deep down, and when I take the time to find out what it is and start resolving it, the should words start to disappear naturally.
I've now learnt that when you start taking the power and responsibility back for your life you find it easier to make the changes you WANT to and ACCEPT the ones you don't value high enough to take action around. Removing the should words also make for a much kinder inner dialogue where you GIVE to yourself when you want to because you want to - and not from a place of 'necessity'... your relationship with yourself automatically improves.... All in all you are HAPPIER even if you don't call your friend, and if you decide to buy that cake or that purse... you enjoy it :-) Yummy :-)
The premise is simple - words like 'should' remove our personal power. They turn us into victims and the big bad world is our villain. Your boss, the weather, your goals, your weight loss plan etc dictate all the 'have tos' in our lives and make us feel as though our hands are tied and we can't change a thing. And we never have time or energy left for the 'would like tos'. We feel guilty when we don't do the 'have tos and resentful when we do! What we are seeking to remind ourselves by making this change, is that we always have a choice in every second of every day. Yes it might be the choice between a rock and a hard place, yes it might mean that you will starve if you make a certain choice, or will lose all of your friends - but the choice is still there - it's just not one we would necessarily choose to make!!
Removing the 'should' words from your vocabulary helps you to get out of the victim mentality, to see that you do have the power of choice in every situation, and to see that in the end the only person you are accountable to, is YOU. The idea is to remove the word from your internal chatter as well as outer, but starting with the outer is easier as it is much easier to catch. When you hear yourself say a should word try and catch yourself. Just start with the word should to start off with and then when you start catching yourself doing it, correct yourself and use an empowering word instead.
SHOULD WORDS
Should, ought to, suppose, have to, need to, compelled, have a duty, an obligation, I must... and so on
EMPOWERING WORDS
Would like to, aspire to, hope to, want to, choose to, intend to, desire, prefer to, plan to... etc
So as an example, 'I shouldn't eat that cake' becomes 'I could eat that cake, but I choose not to' or 'If I choose eat that cake there will be consequences, but I am deciding it is worth the consequences and having some anyway!'
Another instance would be 'I should go and do some exercise'. Instead you say/think 'I want to go and do some exercise so that I feel fitter/ become slimmer/ have more energy' or 'I don't want to do any exercise even though I know I risk not losing weight this week/feeling lethargic'.
I have chosen two health examples on purpose here. I wanted to show you how you can completely change the approach you take towards an area of your life by removing the should words. With the 'shoulds' in your vocabulary, you send yourself the message that some outside force is MAKING you sacrifice cake and beloved couch time in favour of a healthy snack and exercise. It implies that you have been given a goal by someone outside yourself and then are 'having the whip cracked' constantly - being punished and bullied, pushed and cornered into healthiness. Removing the shoulds means you send a message to yourself that says 'I want this outcome so much that I am willing to change my own lifestyle, for me, and I am benefitting from my own self care'. OR 'I value this slice of cake or this TV day higher than losing a pound this week'. Both put the control in your hands. They help you to understand your true priorities and make peace with it, rather than trying to pretend you want something more than you do.
You can try it in every area of your life. Try it with -
- the household chores "I am going to wash up so that I keep on top of things and my kitchen looks gorgeous" ("I should do the washing up"),
- the finances "I don't want to save £10 this month - I want to treat myself to that purse, I deserve it" ("I shouldn't get this purse really but..."),
- your relationships "I'm going to skip seeing x this week, I'd really prefer some down time to myself" ("I suppose I ought to call x and arrange a meet up"),
- your work "I'd like to apply for a new job but I don't want to spend my day off doing it, so I'll stick to this job for the time being" ("I should look for new jobs really but I can't be bothered"),
- and countless other areas!
Some of you, like me, will be amazed at how much the should words permeate your vocabulary. I started small; by just beginning to remove the should words a couple of times a day and switching in an empowering word. I found that your brain gets very clever and tries to find more obscure ways to say 'should' to get away with it! Keep your beady eye and ear out!!! This is a continuing ongoing process and there will always be slip ups; for me there are still days where it seems impossible. Once you reach a point where there are generally very few should words in your day to day inner and outer voice, notice when they start cropping back up - it's a sure sign that there's an area of your life you're not happy with, or that you're feeling victimised around and so need to take your power back. I tend to find that when I'm having a 'should' day, there's something bigger going on deep down, and when I take the time to find out what it is and start resolving it, the should words start to disappear naturally.
I've now learnt that when you start taking the power and responsibility back for your life you find it easier to make the changes you WANT to and ACCEPT the ones you don't value high enough to take action around. Removing the should words also make for a much kinder inner dialogue where you GIVE to yourself when you want to because you want to - and not from a place of 'necessity'... your relationship with yourself automatically improves.... All in all you are HAPPIER even if you don't call your friend, and if you decide to buy that cake or that purse... you enjoy it :-) Yummy :-)