Guilty Mum Syndrome
"I think the minute you become a mum you just feel guilty", my friend said yesterday. I found myself nodding in agreement. Am I giving them enough tummy time? Should I leave them to cry if they won't stay for long, or risk that they'll NEVER(!) be able to lift their head off the ground?! Should I play with them every second of every day? Can I get on with things I want to, or even the chores, when it doesn't stimulate them? Are they bored? Am I bad person for going back to work? I didn't manage to breastfeed for very long, I should have persevered... And on and on it goes. (Notice all the SHOULDS in there!)
Later that evening, I ended up going the "Google search route" - "How much stimulation does a 3 month old need?". What did I find? Some excellent scientific advice on how a child's brain is developing at that each stage and what/how much to do as a result? Nope. I found reams and reams of other mums on forums asking exactly the same question, and then companies/books/services/toys trying to sell a product to all these mums on the back of their guilty conscious!
It hurts my heart even now when I think of all these mums, doing their absolute best, and then, just like me, turning to sources outside their own inner voice for reassurance that they are doing a good job. It's funny how much easier it is for me to feel compassion for these other mums when I can't give it to myself! In the forums I did find some reassurance going on between mums which was lovely to see. There were also mums who seemed to be on the forums only to tell the world what I good job they were doing in comparison (also likely in an effort to reassure themselves... or why would they be on the forum in the first place!).
Isn't it such a shame that we carry and grow our beautiful babies inside us for 9 months, we go through the process of giving birth and bringing them into the world, and then we can't even enjoy the miracle that results for guilt tripping ourselves? I wrote this verse about my mum and disabled brother a long while ago, she cared for him almost his whole life, and a large chunk of hers, and it seems very relevant to this post -
"Seems everyone around,
admires your strength, but you,
only seem to ask what more you could have done -
What more could you possibly do?
Keep a little strength, keep a little strength, for you.
Have a little faith, have a little faith, won't you?"
And of course, I meant faith in herself, as well as faith in life and the way things work out. Faith in our instincts; that if we don't feel the urge to play with our baby constantly, and if they aren't asking for it by crying, there's a reason. The same goes for any area - if we don't feel the inner nudge, a gut response to do or not do something, there is a reason. If we are doing our absolute best in any given moment, that's more that enough. If only we could quiet that smaller voice that comes from the mind and seems determined to make us feel unworthy - no matter how much we do it screams "MORE!!!!"
And yet our children aren't asking for more. We aren't ignoring their needs. Do we really want to teach them that we are their entertainment and we work 12 hours a day to fulfil that role, when they are happy and content as they are? Do we want to set ourselves unrealistic ideals and feel tired and a failure when we don't meet them? Do we want to follow ideals and goals outside ourselves from say Bounty/ Emmas Diary/ any other parenting website or book... when ultimately they are SELLING a product to us - whether it's a newsletter, or the products they sell alongside the newsletter, or a product itself. Even the NHS website seems to come at it from a 'scare you into being a good parent approach' instead of trusting you will know what's best for your own child.
To wrap it up then, next time THAT voice tries to take away the joy I feel about being a mum I am going to tell it -
"Yes, my child has needs, my child has wants,
Yet there are no need for your relentless taunts,
My baby, my gut, will let me KNOW,
When I can do more to help him grow.
In a few years I'll see the results,
Of all that I've taught him, including SELF LOVE,
Until then whatever I do is ENOUGH,
Each day I'll take my cues from above."
I hope you'll tell yourself something similar next time you feel guilt coming on. Parenthood isn't designed to be a massive guilt trip. Neither is LIFE. Guilt is designed to make us check in with our deepest selves and see if we are happy with our outer actions - once you have done that, you don't need any outside approval/affirmation. You know best what's best for the budding, growing offshoot of yourself!
Big love to all the parents out there - you're doing an amazing job <3
Later that evening, I ended up going the "Google search route" - "How much stimulation does a 3 month old need?". What did I find? Some excellent scientific advice on how a child's brain is developing at that each stage and what/how much to do as a result? Nope. I found reams and reams of other mums on forums asking exactly the same question, and then companies/books/services/toys trying to sell a product to all these mums on the back of their guilty conscious!
It hurts my heart even now when I think of all these mums, doing their absolute best, and then, just like me, turning to sources outside their own inner voice for reassurance that they are doing a good job. It's funny how much easier it is for me to feel compassion for these other mums when I can't give it to myself! In the forums I did find some reassurance going on between mums which was lovely to see. There were also mums who seemed to be on the forums only to tell the world what I good job they were doing in comparison (also likely in an effort to reassure themselves... or why would they be on the forum in the first place!).
Isn't it such a shame that we carry and grow our beautiful babies inside us for 9 months, we go through the process of giving birth and bringing them into the world, and then we can't even enjoy the miracle that results for guilt tripping ourselves? I wrote this verse about my mum and disabled brother a long while ago, she cared for him almost his whole life, and a large chunk of hers, and it seems very relevant to this post -
"Seems everyone around,
admires your strength, but you,
only seem to ask what more you could have done -
What more could you possibly do?
Keep a little strength, keep a little strength, for you.
Have a little faith, have a little faith, won't you?"
And of course, I meant faith in herself, as well as faith in life and the way things work out. Faith in our instincts; that if we don't feel the urge to play with our baby constantly, and if they aren't asking for it by crying, there's a reason. The same goes for any area - if we don't feel the inner nudge, a gut response to do or not do something, there is a reason. If we are doing our absolute best in any given moment, that's more that enough. If only we could quiet that smaller voice that comes from the mind and seems determined to make us feel unworthy - no matter how much we do it screams "MORE!!!!"
And yet our children aren't asking for more. We aren't ignoring their needs. Do we really want to teach them that we are their entertainment and we work 12 hours a day to fulfil that role, when they are happy and content as they are? Do we want to set ourselves unrealistic ideals and feel tired and a failure when we don't meet them? Do we want to follow ideals and goals outside ourselves from say Bounty/ Emmas Diary/ any other parenting website or book... when ultimately they are SELLING a product to us - whether it's a newsletter, or the products they sell alongside the newsletter, or a product itself. Even the NHS website seems to come at it from a 'scare you into being a good parent approach' instead of trusting you will know what's best for your own child.
To wrap it up then, next time THAT voice tries to take away the joy I feel about being a mum I am going to tell it -
"Yes, my child has needs, my child has wants,
Yet there are no need for your relentless taunts,
My baby, my gut, will let me KNOW,
When I can do more to help him grow.
In a few years I'll see the results,
Of all that I've taught him, including SELF LOVE,
Until then whatever I do is ENOUGH,
Each day I'll take my cues from above."
I hope you'll tell yourself something similar next time you feel guilt coming on. Parenthood isn't designed to be a massive guilt trip. Neither is LIFE. Guilt is designed to make us check in with our deepest selves and see if we are happy with our outer actions - once you have done that, you don't need any outside approval/affirmation. You know best what's best for the budding, growing offshoot of yourself!
Big love to all the parents out there - you're doing an amazing job <3