If It Sugars ~ A love note on sweetness and addiction
I could write a whole blog on the topic of sugar alone, and many have. Check out Sarah Wilson's I Quit Sugar book series and brand if you want to know more. Here though, simply a confession about my relationship with all that sugars, and sweetness.
First of all let me say I am by no means a sugar snob. If you have a fondness for the white stuff, I got ya' and share in the love. In fact, I love it too much. I am a sugar addict.
I've said this to a few people and they often scoff like 'big deal' or say 'really? I'm not that bothered'. For those who do not share the same dysfunctional relationship with sugar it is difficult to take someone seriously when they are ready to do the 12 step programme over silly sugar (Russell Brand ~ Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions). It's not a real addiction they'll think. However for those of you who are or have grappled with the same issue, you know it 1000% is.
In a study where lab rats were exposed to cocaine and sugar, it was found the mice always chose the sugar, and it is in fact SIXTEEN times more addictive than cocaine. Sadly, it is the most socially acceptable, culturally embedded drug that exists today. It is also now the only drug to be flaunted so often in front of your face and hidden in products, making it very difficult to escape. Imagine you were addicted to weed and wanted to give it up only to find out it was hidden in your favourite tomato sauce or even used in your toothpaste and face mask - and that you had to give up those things too. Or imagine being a sex addict and being affronted with naked models ready to drop their pants every time you went to the supermarket - on every aisle end and right next to the tills too. That is the kind of temptation a sugar addict faces every day.
It's okay if you still think I'm being ridiculous - I probably would have said the same thing myself years ago. But I really did live for the next fix. I really did say on more than one occasion that life was not worth living without sugar/cake/chocolate - and meant it. I came to rely on it for pleasure amidst a rugged and rough terrain full of cruelty, misfortune, and grief. I came to rely on it for the sweetness I craved. And it gave me the energy I lacked. It made life more tolerable in the short term, and of course made it much worse in the long term. I was miserable due to the extra weight I carried. I became dependent on having sugar at hand. I experienced the awful cravings and blood sugar dips. My health and energy suffered. My appetite and true hunger disappeared and was replaced by only a merry-go-round of desperate craving for one kind of food and one only - the white stuff. It wasn't always cake or chocolate - it might be bread (to which sadly, I am now intolerant) or something similar. Anything that sugared in the blood, gave instant relief with minimal preparation, and always left me hungry for something nameless (something I now realise is true nourishment and nutrition).
So back in January after another epiphany reading Deepak Chopra's 'Overcoming Addictions: The Spiritual Solution' I had finally had enough. I finally decided to accept that it was an addiction and give that the weight it deserved. I knew there was something beneath this sugar habit and the lack of sweetness I gave myself in any other form. I knew my unhealthy relationship to it had started as a coping mechanism during severe bullying during my teens. I had read all about how bad it was for me in books on nutrition and how it is blamed for a myriad of health problems including cancer (Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr). I had educated myself on proper nutrition over the years. I had become conscious of the way I often sugared myself through my emotions - like anger, sadness, hurt, disappointment, and even joy, relief, gratitude. I celebrated with it, rewarded myself with it, punished myself with it, used it to stay in control or to let myself get out of control.
And of course it was controlling me. It had become bigger and more powerful than me and my will. And that's when I decided fuck this. I gave it up cold turkey for 5 weeks, then reintroduced fruit and honey as occasional treats (I'm pro-fruit etc for the other health benefits but have heard that people often switch to a fructose addiction when giving up normal sugar). I remained on very minimal natural sugars for almost five months and then let myself have some birthday cake. I would still eat some birthday cake now if I wanted. And actually I don't really enjoy it anymore - it doesn't give me the hit it used to. The thought of it is now a bigger deal that eating it. Yet I know that I still have to stay alert and aware of how much I am eating and why I am eating it every single time for the rest of my life because I am an addict. I am always at risk of becoming so again. I have given it up before and slowly slipped back into the habit. It is a habitual thing for me whenever I take my eye off that ball. It was a coping mechanism for 17 years, that shit don't just disappear overnight!
So what has been the internal process for being able to stay clean? Doing my healing work. Facing my demons. Feeling the feels I don't want to feel - especially that foreboding joy (Braving the Wilderness ~ Brene Brown) and anger. There is nothing more scary to me that everything actually being okay after quite a tumultuous childhood and adolescence. There's nothing more scary that saying no and setting a boundary, or facing being painfully hurt by someone I love. You know I have moved 20 times in 29 years? And spent 3 Christmas days in hospitals, as well as a few others in hospices? Normal wasn't all that normal to me until recently *laughing*. It still isn't. People have had it much worse, but no matter - it still affected me, I'm a sensitive gal.
The biggest change has really been in finding new ways to bring sweetness into my life. I love sweetness. I love hugs and kind words, compliments and nature walks, pampering and gestures, deep conversations with red wine, soulful outpouring lyrics sung in melodies, self care and lie ins, playing and singing and dancing, laughing until it hurts, being looked after and feeling young and free. There was not enough of that in my life, and there still isn't truth be told. It's a process. I don't give it to myself often enough. I feel bad for wanting it and needing it. It was much easier to eat a biscuit than incorporate these things into my life, especially as a working mum of three under 5 with a tight budget. But these are my needs, and I try not to judge them. I try to speak sweetly to myself. I try to have the expectation that others speak and act sweetly and respectfully to me. I try to let me husband care for me like he wants to and be a little bit less self sufficient and guarded.
All these things help the white stuff lose its grip on me. Plus the fact that my health is feeling so much better. I have room and HUNGER for real food again - green juices, Mediterranean style nibbles, sugar free banana bread, homemade fish pie. My brain is clearer. My inspiration is back. I just feel better. Really sugar was making my life hell - because it allowed me to avoid the hellish parts of life, medicate them and pretend they weren't so bad. It made shit bearable. Like eating shit with some sugar granules instead of just saying NO and turning away. It was stealing my life and stealing my spirit.
If you're addicted right now, take heart. There is another way. Check out any of the resources I've mentioned that call to you. And let me end on this. If you are not sure if you're addicted to sugar, if you are not sure how much you depend on it - take it away. See what happens. See what comes up. And if your fix isn't sugar AWESOME. If yours is shitty relationships, booze, shopping, sex, box sets, control, work, WHATEVER, the same rules apply. If you want to know if it's dysfunctional take it away. If you don't feel any different, and you can live without it, you're just fine. It's not what you do, it's not how much you do it, it's the motive that drives you to that compulsion again and again that matters. It's using your fix to avoid yourself, life, pain.
With love and sweetness from my heart to yours, Bee <3
First of all let me say I am by no means a sugar snob. If you have a fondness for the white stuff, I got ya' and share in the love. In fact, I love it too much. I am a sugar addict.
I've said this to a few people and they often scoff like 'big deal' or say 'really? I'm not that bothered'. For those who do not share the same dysfunctional relationship with sugar it is difficult to take someone seriously when they are ready to do the 12 step programme over silly sugar (Russell Brand ~ Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions). It's not a real addiction they'll think. However for those of you who are or have grappled with the same issue, you know it 1000% is.
In a study where lab rats were exposed to cocaine and sugar, it was found the mice always chose the sugar, and it is in fact SIXTEEN times more addictive than cocaine. Sadly, it is the most socially acceptable, culturally embedded drug that exists today. It is also now the only drug to be flaunted so often in front of your face and hidden in products, making it very difficult to escape. Imagine you were addicted to weed and wanted to give it up only to find out it was hidden in your favourite tomato sauce or even used in your toothpaste and face mask - and that you had to give up those things too. Or imagine being a sex addict and being affronted with naked models ready to drop their pants every time you went to the supermarket - on every aisle end and right next to the tills too. That is the kind of temptation a sugar addict faces every day.
It's okay if you still think I'm being ridiculous - I probably would have said the same thing myself years ago. But I really did live for the next fix. I really did say on more than one occasion that life was not worth living without sugar/cake/chocolate - and meant it. I came to rely on it for pleasure amidst a rugged and rough terrain full of cruelty, misfortune, and grief. I came to rely on it for the sweetness I craved. And it gave me the energy I lacked. It made life more tolerable in the short term, and of course made it much worse in the long term. I was miserable due to the extra weight I carried. I became dependent on having sugar at hand. I experienced the awful cravings and blood sugar dips. My health and energy suffered. My appetite and true hunger disappeared and was replaced by only a merry-go-round of desperate craving for one kind of food and one only - the white stuff. It wasn't always cake or chocolate - it might be bread (to which sadly, I am now intolerant) or something similar. Anything that sugared in the blood, gave instant relief with minimal preparation, and always left me hungry for something nameless (something I now realise is true nourishment and nutrition).
So back in January after another epiphany reading Deepak Chopra's 'Overcoming Addictions: The Spiritual Solution' I had finally had enough. I finally decided to accept that it was an addiction and give that the weight it deserved. I knew there was something beneath this sugar habit and the lack of sweetness I gave myself in any other form. I knew my unhealthy relationship to it had started as a coping mechanism during severe bullying during my teens. I had read all about how bad it was for me in books on nutrition and how it is blamed for a myriad of health problems including cancer (Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr). I had educated myself on proper nutrition over the years. I had become conscious of the way I often sugared myself through my emotions - like anger, sadness, hurt, disappointment, and even joy, relief, gratitude. I celebrated with it, rewarded myself with it, punished myself with it, used it to stay in control or to let myself get out of control.
And of course it was controlling me. It had become bigger and more powerful than me and my will. And that's when I decided fuck this. I gave it up cold turkey for 5 weeks, then reintroduced fruit and honey as occasional treats (I'm pro-fruit etc for the other health benefits but have heard that people often switch to a fructose addiction when giving up normal sugar). I remained on very minimal natural sugars for almost five months and then let myself have some birthday cake. I would still eat some birthday cake now if I wanted. And actually I don't really enjoy it anymore - it doesn't give me the hit it used to. The thought of it is now a bigger deal that eating it. Yet I know that I still have to stay alert and aware of how much I am eating and why I am eating it every single time for the rest of my life because I am an addict. I am always at risk of becoming so again. I have given it up before and slowly slipped back into the habit. It is a habitual thing for me whenever I take my eye off that ball. It was a coping mechanism for 17 years, that shit don't just disappear overnight!
So what has been the internal process for being able to stay clean? Doing my healing work. Facing my demons. Feeling the feels I don't want to feel - especially that foreboding joy (Braving the Wilderness ~ Brene Brown) and anger. There is nothing more scary to me that everything actually being okay after quite a tumultuous childhood and adolescence. There's nothing more scary that saying no and setting a boundary, or facing being painfully hurt by someone I love. You know I have moved 20 times in 29 years? And spent 3 Christmas days in hospitals, as well as a few others in hospices? Normal wasn't all that normal to me until recently *laughing*. It still isn't. People have had it much worse, but no matter - it still affected me, I'm a sensitive gal.
The biggest change has really been in finding new ways to bring sweetness into my life. I love sweetness. I love hugs and kind words, compliments and nature walks, pampering and gestures, deep conversations with red wine, soulful outpouring lyrics sung in melodies, self care and lie ins, playing and singing and dancing, laughing until it hurts, being looked after and feeling young and free. There was not enough of that in my life, and there still isn't truth be told. It's a process. I don't give it to myself often enough. I feel bad for wanting it and needing it. It was much easier to eat a biscuit than incorporate these things into my life, especially as a working mum of three under 5 with a tight budget. But these are my needs, and I try not to judge them. I try to speak sweetly to myself. I try to have the expectation that others speak and act sweetly and respectfully to me. I try to let me husband care for me like he wants to and be a little bit less self sufficient and guarded.
All these things help the white stuff lose its grip on me. Plus the fact that my health is feeling so much better. I have room and HUNGER for real food again - green juices, Mediterranean style nibbles, sugar free banana bread, homemade fish pie. My brain is clearer. My inspiration is back. I just feel better. Really sugar was making my life hell - because it allowed me to avoid the hellish parts of life, medicate them and pretend they weren't so bad. It made shit bearable. Like eating shit with some sugar granules instead of just saying NO and turning away. It was stealing my life and stealing my spirit.
If you're addicted right now, take heart. There is another way. Check out any of the resources I've mentioned that call to you. And let me end on this. If you are not sure if you're addicted to sugar, if you are not sure how much you depend on it - take it away. See what happens. See what comes up. And if your fix isn't sugar AWESOME. If yours is shitty relationships, booze, shopping, sex, box sets, control, work, WHATEVER, the same rules apply. If you want to know if it's dysfunctional take it away. If you don't feel any different, and you can live without it, you're just fine. It's not what you do, it's not how much you do it, it's the motive that drives you to that compulsion again and again that matters. It's using your fix to avoid yourself, life, pain.
With love and sweetness from my heart to yours, Bee <3