Learning to Answer Back (and maaaan does it feel gooood!)
Once upon a time I was a 'nice girl'... a stereotypical people pleaser, I'd put myself right to the back of the line in a queue of people with needs and voices just to keep everyone happy. Eventually I came to realise that the reason I had so much self loathing was because I was being inauthenic - my authenic self was being squashed, moulded or altogether ignored to suit those around me. I did this with my nearest and dearest, my friends, my family, my aquaintances - and even strangers.
By this point it was so autopilot that I didn't even realise I was doing it. I was talking with my counsellor - there because I was in a vicious cycle of self hate and very depressed as a result - and we were discussing the fact that I felt like I was watching the world "through a window", totally disconnected, and most alone when around people. She asked me "What is your inner dialogue when you are in one of these situations?" and I was amazed to realise I was sensoring and analyzing every word they said, I said, their facial expressions, and was adapting my responses to suit. I hadn't realised I even did this until I heard myself saying as much. It crept in at some point when I was very young as an unhealthy coping mechanism, and had stuck with me through to adulthood.
The thing is - I was bloody good at it. I have a knack of reading people - beyond what they try to show, I know when they are at odds with their inner opinions and feelings or when they don't voice their natural response. Maybe I got so good at seeing beyond the superficial, because I was doing it myself all these years. Another defense mechanism, if you like, to make sure someone like me couldn't fool me!
Of course this ability hasn't diminished, and I still to this day pick up micro expressions and emotions that go undetected by many - even with those I barely know or don't know at all. And I do still slip into old habits... I'll never be able to 'not know' someone's genuine inner emotions and thoughts now that I've developed the skill - but now I try not to adapt myself to suit them. I try to be authenic in my response even when the reaction is shock, dislike, disbelief etc. That was the first stage in becoming authenic.
Now I'm at a point where I'm onto the next stage - where I am 'learning to answer back'. Some instances where I might feel the need to do to this are when someone misunderstands me or gets the wrong end of the stick (and I feel inauthenic not correcting them), when someone isn't listening to me, where someone tries to make me feel bad about something I did/didn't do/said/didn't say, where someone tries to hand responsibility to me for something that lies with them or another person, or where someone is rude/ hurtful/ thoughtless/ crossing boundaries/ just plain out of order!
Some of us are very good at doing this with people we love and not authority/strangers/aquaintances or even the other way round. I wasn't particularly good at either - I'd let it slide ALL THE TIME. It made me feel POWERLESS. You can't control what people say or how they act, but you can control how you respond when that behaviour doesn't agree with you (or even decide not to respond at all and walk away!). It is so hard to respond the way you would like to 'in the moment' when you are learning to do this for the first time. I've found at first that I may have to delay my response and think about what I want to say once I've calmed down/ worked up the courage. Sometimes I have to go back and almost 'rehash' the conversation/ occurrence - "You know when you did/said x and I said I was okay with it/didn't respond? Well it's been on my mind and actually I'm not okay with it because (it made me feel) a/b/c". When you start out, you will find it easier to do this via electronic means - a text/ a phone call/ an email - especially if that is the method of communication they have used - but with time you will be able to do it face to face. And eventually in the moment, without even thinking about it. I'm so looking forward to reaching that point.
It takes a lot of guts to do this when you first start out - but let me tell you it feels so great to HAVE MY POWER BACK. Even if they react badly, it's like breaking free of a set of chains every time I do it, and is totally worth it. I find that once the other person has calmed down (or even if they never do!) they know that you were right to speak up, and they will (possibly begrudgingly!) respect you. They will also treat you completely differently in the future. They may not have as much contact as before - but you know what? That's great! If they don't like the real you then why would you want to spend a lot of time with them anyway?!! I know it's not that simple - it's a difficult process to go through but I PROMISE it's worth it in the end. For every relationship that doesn't work out, 3 new ones will enter - and the new ones will want to see and hear you for who you truly are.
There will be many situations where you feel quite happy simply keeping quiet and won't feel like you are compromising yourself - it's not a case of sharing every single opinion you have, especially when it comes to the other person's life. Sometimes it's good to just let them be right and let them learn for themselves what's best for them. It's a case of discerning where you're happy to draw the line. Which feelings do you HAVE to share? Which of your relationships most often trigger resentment and anger or tears? When do you start to feel like a fraud? Or worthless? That's when you need to speak out or lessen contact with those people.
DON'T FORGET that if you feel drained after contact, there's a very good chance they do too. When listening to Carolyn Myss' Sacred Contracts on Audiobook I loved that she pointed out and reminded me that for every person that has brought me to counselling, there is at least one person who is in counselling because of me!!! This is far more likely for those relationships where you find that when you start speaking up, you're both constantly at loggerheads with one another. Sometimes, two people can't be authentically themselves and get along! Sometimes two people just drain each other instead of lifting each other up!
A little note about family or long term friends: It will be harder to do this with these people. We think that 'because we're family' we have to tolerate more and 'be close' or 'get along' or see each other all the time even when that means giving up ourselves. And the longer the relationship has lasted, or you want it to last, the more invested you are in keeping them happy. However, these are often the people you spend the most time with - and so they matter more than anyone. If it's more important that you keep the relationship good for the long term, then try drastically reducing the amount of time you spend with the people that make you feel inauthenic and drain you. This will leave more time for the people who make you feel great about being YOU. Or if there are none of those people left after your restructuring (believe me it happens!)... it will leave a space for new friendships to enter when you have more time and energy to do what you TRULY love and be who you TRULY are.
I believe that the only thing we are here to 'do' in this life, is become more of who we are. What do you have to say to whom to do that? Who do you need to answer back to be true to yourself? Who do you find it impossible to be around while being the best of yourself? Now you know where to start...
By this point it was so autopilot that I didn't even realise I was doing it. I was talking with my counsellor - there because I was in a vicious cycle of self hate and very depressed as a result - and we were discussing the fact that I felt like I was watching the world "through a window", totally disconnected, and most alone when around people. She asked me "What is your inner dialogue when you are in one of these situations?" and I was amazed to realise I was sensoring and analyzing every word they said, I said, their facial expressions, and was adapting my responses to suit. I hadn't realised I even did this until I heard myself saying as much. It crept in at some point when I was very young as an unhealthy coping mechanism, and had stuck with me through to adulthood.
The thing is - I was bloody good at it. I have a knack of reading people - beyond what they try to show, I know when they are at odds with their inner opinions and feelings or when they don't voice their natural response. Maybe I got so good at seeing beyond the superficial, because I was doing it myself all these years. Another defense mechanism, if you like, to make sure someone like me couldn't fool me!
Of course this ability hasn't diminished, and I still to this day pick up micro expressions and emotions that go undetected by many - even with those I barely know or don't know at all. And I do still slip into old habits... I'll never be able to 'not know' someone's genuine inner emotions and thoughts now that I've developed the skill - but now I try not to adapt myself to suit them. I try to be authenic in my response even when the reaction is shock, dislike, disbelief etc. That was the first stage in becoming authenic.
Now I'm at a point where I'm onto the next stage - where I am 'learning to answer back'. Some instances where I might feel the need to do to this are when someone misunderstands me or gets the wrong end of the stick (and I feel inauthenic not correcting them), when someone isn't listening to me, where someone tries to make me feel bad about something I did/didn't do/said/didn't say, where someone tries to hand responsibility to me for something that lies with them or another person, or where someone is rude/ hurtful/ thoughtless/ crossing boundaries/ just plain out of order!
Some of us are very good at doing this with people we love and not authority/strangers/aquaintances or even the other way round. I wasn't particularly good at either - I'd let it slide ALL THE TIME. It made me feel POWERLESS. You can't control what people say or how they act, but you can control how you respond when that behaviour doesn't agree with you (or even decide not to respond at all and walk away!). It is so hard to respond the way you would like to 'in the moment' when you are learning to do this for the first time. I've found at first that I may have to delay my response and think about what I want to say once I've calmed down/ worked up the courage. Sometimes I have to go back and almost 'rehash' the conversation/ occurrence - "You know when you did/said x and I said I was okay with it/didn't respond? Well it's been on my mind and actually I'm not okay with it because (it made me feel) a/b/c". When you start out, you will find it easier to do this via electronic means - a text/ a phone call/ an email - especially if that is the method of communication they have used - but with time you will be able to do it face to face. And eventually in the moment, without even thinking about it. I'm so looking forward to reaching that point.
It takes a lot of guts to do this when you first start out - but let me tell you it feels so great to HAVE MY POWER BACK. Even if they react badly, it's like breaking free of a set of chains every time I do it, and is totally worth it. I find that once the other person has calmed down (or even if they never do!) they know that you were right to speak up, and they will (possibly begrudgingly!) respect you. They will also treat you completely differently in the future. They may not have as much contact as before - but you know what? That's great! If they don't like the real you then why would you want to spend a lot of time with them anyway?!! I know it's not that simple - it's a difficult process to go through but I PROMISE it's worth it in the end. For every relationship that doesn't work out, 3 new ones will enter - and the new ones will want to see and hear you for who you truly are.
There will be many situations where you feel quite happy simply keeping quiet and won't feel like you are compromising yourself - it's not a case of sharing every single opinion you have, especially when it comes to the other person's life. Sometimes it's good to just let them be right and let them learn for themselves what's best for them. It's a case of discerning where you're happy to draw the line. Which feelings do you HAVE to share? Which of your relationships most often trigger resentment and anger or tears? When do you start to feel like a fraud? Or worthless? That's when you need to speak out or lessen contact with those people.
DON'T FORGET that if you feel drained after contact, there's a very good chance they do too. When listening to Carolyn Myss' Sacred Contracts on Audiobook I loved that she pointed out and reminded me that for every person that has brought me to counselling, there is at least one person who is in counselling because of me!!! This is far more likely for those relationships where you find that when you start speaking up, you're both constantly at loggerheads with one another. Sometimes, two people can't be authentically themselves and get along! Sometimes two people just drain each other instead of lifting each other up!
A little note about family or long term friends: It will be harder to do this with these people. We think that 'because we're family' we have to tolerate more and 'be close' or 'get along' or see each other all the time even when that means giving up ourselves. And the longer the relationship has lasted, or you want it to last, the more invested you are in keeping them happy. However, these are often the people you spend the most time with - and so they matter more than anyone. If it's more important that you keep the relationship good for the long term, then try drastically reducing the amount of time you spend with the people that make you feel inauthenic and drain you. This will leave more time for the people who make you feel great about being YOU. Or if there are none of those people left after your restructuring (believe me it happens!)... it will leave a space for new friendships to enter when you have more time and energy to do what you TRULY love and be who you TRULY are.
I believe that the only thing we are here to 'do' in this life, is become more of who we are. What do you have to say to whom to do that? Who do you need to answer back to be true to yourself? Who do you find it impossible to be around while being the best of yourself? Now you know where to start...
"Just do you, somebody's got to be a star,
Just do you, somebody's got to raise the bar.
Just do you, somebody's got to change the game
Just do you today...
I heard a voice that told me I'm essential
How all my fears are limiting my potential
Said it's time to step into the light and
Use every bit of the power I have inside
So what you waiting on?
Who You waiting for?
If You don't take a chance
You'll never know what's in store
Just do you, somebody's got to be a star,
Just do you, somebody's got to raise the bar.
Just do you, somebody's got to change the game
Just do you today"
~ India Arie, Just Do You
Just do you, somebody's got to raise the bar.
Just do you, somebody's got to change the game
Just do you today...
I heard a voice that told me I'm essential
How all my fears are limiting my potential
Said it's time to step into the light and
Use every bit of the power I have inside
So what you waiting on?
Who You waiting for?
If You don't take a chance
You'll never know what's in store
Just do you, somebody's got to be a star,
Just do you, somebody's got to raise the bar.
Just do you, somebody's got to change the game
Just do you today"
~ India Arie, Just Do You