The Guilt of Giving to Yourself
I FINALLY barge through many of the blocks that have kept me holed in for months. We come up with a plan to manage the housework better (so we have to spend less time on it, and I get more help). We plan healthy meals for a week and write a shopping list. I get that haircut that I wanted so badly but kept telling myself I couldn't afford. I start doing a little towards a project I care about every day. I allow myself to cancel a few arrangements on a far-too-full schedule. I write a wishlist for the year, for our home, our child, ourselves. I feel GREAT! But then the next day, I feel AWFUL.
It's a frustrating day where blocks keep cropping up when I try to implement changes. It feels no decision is the right decision and that I ought to just be sitting waiting, but I've only just found the enthusiasm and focus to ACT. I find myself feeling I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. My little man won't settle - griping all day, showing outwardly what I feel inwardly.
And I'm realising... this is the backlash from within for giving to myself. For allowing myself to want for things, starting to give them to myself, making commitments to the things that matter for me, and asking for more of what I want in my life. I feel irritated and uncomfortable and a little sick... underneath all that is GUILT and FEAR. How dare I ask for these things? I'm not used to expecting more, at giving to myself - I'm more comfortable looking after other people and expecting more for them. Then hoping they'll do the same for me! Also - what if I want for these things and they don't come to fruition? What if I start giving to myself and it makes me a bad person? A greedy person? A less loveable person? Or makes us bankrupt?!
I'm trying to get comfortable with guilt and fear. There's never going to be a time where I'm suddenly happy and able to give to myself without this backlash. It's OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE. The only way I'll feel comfy in it, is to lie there for ages, get used to the feel of the place. My self worth will only improve WHEN I give to myself, so there's no use waiting to give until the worthiness arrives. So here I am, out on a limb, feeling vulnerable, loving myself, reaching a hand out, and hoping it doesn't get bitten off.... well, unless I'm daft my hand won't get bitten... because it's my bloody mouth that would be biting it...
It's a frustrating day where blocks keep cropping up when I try to implement changes. It feels no decision is the right decision and that I ought to just be sitting waiting, but I've only just found the enthusiasm and focus to ACT. I find myself feeling I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. My little man won't settle - griping all day, showing outwardly what I feel inwardly.
And I'm realising... this is the backlash from within for giving to myself. For allowing myself to want for things, starting to give them to myself, making commitments to the things that matter for me, and asking for more of what I want in my life. I feel irritated and uncomfortable and a little sick... underneath all that is GUILT and FEAR. How dare I ask for these things? I'm not used to expecting more, at giving to myself - I'm more comfortable looking after other people and expecting more for them. Then hoping they'll do the same for me! Also - what if I want for these things and they don't come to fruition? What if I start giving to myself and it makes me a bad person? A greedy person? A less loveable person? Or makes us bankrupt?!
I'm trying to get comfortable with guilt and fear. There's never going to be a time where I'm suddenly happy and able to give to myself without this backlash. It's OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE. The only way I'll feel comfy in it, is to lie there for ages, get used to the feel of the place. My self worth will only improve WHEN I give to myself, so there's no use waiting to give until the worthiness arrives. So here I am, out on a limb, feeling vulnerable, loving myself, reaching a hand out, and hoping it doesn't get bitten off.... well, unless I'm daft my hand won't get bitten... because it's my bloody mouth that would be biting it...