Unhealthy Bee
I first of all want to show you some images of myself, some nice, some not so nice. These are some of the best I have of myself in the last five years, and are some of the slimmest in my life (excluding 15/16 years old!). I show you these to emphasize 'I ain't no size 2' even when slim and healthy. My weight in these photos varies by about 2 stone, up and down, and I'm heavier now, post baby 3, than I've ever been. I always have hips, a butt and (thank god) boobs to help balance me out and stop me falling over. In some of these photos I was in good health in others I feel like I do now - like shit. The number on the scale has been up, down and all around, just like the rest of my health - but interestingly the two don't always combine.
A woman's body can change and fluctuate so much. Life events - especially pregnancy and postnatal, time of the month, and so many things all play a factor. Having been crazy enough to have 3 children under 4 (and I am DONE ladies and gentleman), I have experienced first hand these crazy almost inhuman fluctuations. I have mostly 'doggy paddled' my way through the last 5 years, desperately trying to keep my head about water while adjusting to family life. I forgive myself for all the choices I've made that weren't for mine or the kid's highest good. And now I want my body back. No that's not right - I want my HEALTH back.
Some of the symptoms I experience day to day at the point of writing are -
1) FATIGUE - jeesh I have never been so exhausted in all my life. Even though the sleepless nights have mercilessly dwindled to few in number, my energy has NOT returned. If anything it has gotten worse and worse. I rarely have the energy to do what I want to do with my kids, and be the mum I want to be - I rarely have the energy to do the things I enjoy. I rarely have energy to do more that the bare minimum full stop. Now my bare minimum is quite high, which means I often use my spiritual reserves to push way beyond where my body wants to stop. It helps me care for my kids and stay sane and keep a part time job, but it wreaks havoc on my body. I experience 'pay back' when I overdo and often ended up compensating by doing nothing for days to recover, as well as experiencing
2) CONSTANT COLDS/ VIRUSES/ ANYTHING UNDER THE SUN THAT MAKES YOU FEEL MORE RUBBISH. If it's going I'm gonna get it - it's the law. Okay maybe not, but it feels that way at times. I spend my time between illnesses feeling 'run down' and depleted. I barely seem to recover from one thing before the next starts. I'm constantly congested and I've forgotten what healthy feels like.
3) DEPRESSION/ ANXIETY - My family or origination and I have been through a lot of grief the last ten years, so I tolerated this for so long. Fact is though, I've done good with my grief work, I've learned to let myself feel, open up freely to my husband, I've visited the trauma and spoken to counsellors. Most conclude that I have good supportive thought processes and seem to have it handled. I do feel anxious often, some of this has been external due to financial strain suffered since I left uni in 2011. However, I'm beginning to realise that most of the depression and anxiety and low self esteem stems from the fatigue and illness and never having the energy to live to life I want day to day or follow through on my dreams. I 'manage' my way through life and that is NOT living.
4) DIGESTIVE/BOWEL ISSUES - Nothing seems to run smoothly down there. It's one extreme to the other and definitely doesn't work as it should. Frankly, it's shit *sniggers*.
5) MUSCLE ACHES AND PAINS - Ouch, I feel like 80 on the bad days
6) BRITTLE NAILS/ FRIZZY HAIR/ BREAKOUT DULL PALLOR SKIN no matter which multi-vits I take or which amazing hair product I use
7) TROUBLE SLEEPING (WELL) - I struggle to get to sleep or back to sleep. In spite of my exhausted body my mind goes full throttle when the light turns out. My body clock now wakes me up around 7 so I can't sleep later even when I want/need to/ actually have childcare cover!
8) NO ENERGY FOR EXERCISE - I have tried many a time to start an exercise programme because I actually love it. I love to dance, I love to walk, I used to even enjoy the gym (!). I love to cycle, I love to swim, play badminton etc. As a teen I was very active and continued to be until my early twenties when all of this started. What happens now when I attempt exercise is, I end up crashing after overdoing it, and unable to even do the basics for the kids, which is not acceptable for me so I just cut it all out again to make sure my priorities happen.
9) LACK OF APPETITE, NAUSEA AND SUGAR CRAVINGS - It's so strange to feel so sick at the thought of food and at the same time experience a crazy sugar craving. I relied on the white stuff (sugar and refined carbs) to get me through my days and actually became very addicted to it (more on that later). At the beginning of this year I went cold turkey on sugar for five weeks, then reintroduced honey and fruit, continuing to four months sugar free, and broke my addiction. I learnt that when I only crave carbs I'm not actually hungry. My body is so out of whack it usually doesn't give me the true hunger signals, and yet I suffer with
10) EASY WEIGHT GAIN/ WEIGHT FLUCTUATIONS/ BLOATING - I am the biggest yo yo er ever. If I wasn't so conscious of what I eat, I can't imagine how much bigger I would have been. I'm presently about 3 stone overweight even after losing a stone and a half. I've always been at the top of my BMI and struggled with weight. I often feel so bloated- my fingers swell and think I've gained over half a stone only to discover I've lost a pound. I find it difficult to regulate my weight and stay steady.
There are more symptoms but those are the biggies. Having spent more of my childhood than most in hospitals I know what REAL illness, the scary life threatening kind, looks like. So I've avoided the Doctor for not wanting to waste their time, and because they like to pin it on mental health because I have lived through grief and illness and trauma.
Really though, my quality of life is shocking. It has been for a while, and it's getting worse. I'm happier in my life and in my self that I've ever been. I am so in love with my husband and the three beautiful children we've created together. I've done healing work (though I know it never ends). I've figured out who I am and what I value. I've set boundaries, burnt and built bridges, drunk green smoothies, done yoga when the energy allowed (prechildren mostly!). I've got in touch with my intuition, culled the friendships that didn't swing both ways and lift me up, minimalised and feng shui'd. I've done pastlife clearing, essential oils, homepathy, reiki, crystals, you name it! All of those things are awesome and each helps me in its own way - but I don't have the ENERGY to sustain any of it.
Diet wise I've given up sugar, bread, meat, dairy, alcohol, caffeine at one time or another. Again I couldn't sustain these choices because I didn't have the energy to plan and cook my meals to balance these diet choices out.I rely on them to compensate for my low energy. I've beaten myself up for not sticking at anything when in fact I have ALWAYS put time and effort into my marriage and my children. Those things come first for me. Next on the list are friends, family, my home, and then my self care. It's too far down the list I know. But to survive, I've had to learn my non-negotiables and JUST DO THAT.
So what's the deal? The diagnosis? I have no idea. My suspicions include chronic fatigue, thyroid problems, anemia, IBS, wheat intolerance/allergy, dairy intolerance/allergy, high blood sugar and a few others. And of course depression and anxiety as a result of living a half life with all these symptoms. I am going to try and heal all this with diet. All of my family's and my own health problems has got me super interested in nutrition and prevention. I've read tonnes of books and it's time to put it into practice in an accountable way (Helllooo blog cliche!). That is going to be my one thing for now.
I will probably visit the doctor and get my bloods done to make sure there's no major red flags, and to find out exactly what my deficiencies are so I can work with them and that information. I'm prepared to take pills if I need to (multi-vit and prescription) but I do not want to be stuck on these as a way to maintain equilibrium unless not doing so will kill me. So back to the 'pantry' I go. I've minimalised my life and possessions, now it's time to do the same to the food that goes into my body every single day.
Some of the symptoms I experience day to day at the point of writing are -
1) FATIGUE - jeesh I have never been so exhausted in all my life. Even though the sleepless nights have mercilessly dwindled to few in number, my energy has NOT returned. If anything it has gotten worse and worse. I rarely have the energy to do what I want to do with my kids, and be the mum I want to be - I rarely have the energy to do the things I enjoy. I rarely have energy to do more that the bare minimum full stop. Now my bare minimum is quite high, which means I often use my spiritual reserves to push way beyond where my body wants to stop. It helps me care for my kids and stay sane and keep a part time job, but it wreaks havoc on my body. I experience 'pay back' when I overdo and often ended up compensating by doing nothing for days to recover, as well as experiencing
2) CONSTANT COLDS/ VIRUSES/ ANYTHING UNDER THE SUN THAT MAKES YOU FEEL MORE RUBBISH. If it's going I'm gonna get it - it's the law. Okay maybe not, but it feels that way at times. I spend my time between illnesses feeling 'run down' and depleted. I barely seem to recover from one thing before the next starts. I'm constantly congested and I've forgotten what healthy feels like.
3) DEPRESSION/ ANXIETY - My family or origination and I have been through a lot of grief the last ten years, so I tolerated this for so long. Fact is though, I've done good with my grief work, I've learned to let myself feel, open up freely to my husband, I've visited the trauma and spoken to counsellors. Most conclude that I have good supportive thought processes and seem to have it handled. I do feel anxious often, some of this has been external due to financial strain suffered since I left uni in 2011. However, I'm beginning to realise that most of the depression and anxiety and low self esteem stems from the fatigue and illness and never having the energy to live to life I want day to day or follow through on my dreams. I 'manage' my way through life and that is NOT living.
4) DIGESTIVE/BOWEL ISSUES - Nothing seems to run smoothly down there. It's one extreme to the other and definitely doesn't work as it should. Frankly, it's shit *sniggers*.
5) MUSCLE ACHES AND PAINS - Ouch, I feel like 80 on the bad days
6) BRITTLE NAILS/ FRIZZY HAIR/ BREAKOUT DULL PALLOR SKIN no matter which multi-vits I take or which amazing hair product I use
7) TROUBLE SLEEPING (WELL) - I struggle to get to sleep or back to sleep. In spite of my exhausted body my mind goes full throttle when the light turns out. My body clock now wakes me up around 7 so I can't sleep later even when I want/need to/ actually have childcare cover!
8) NO ENERGY FOR EXERCISE - I have tried many a time to start an exercise programme because I actually love it. I love to dance, I love to walk, I used to even enjoy the gym (!). I love to cycle, I love to swim, play badminton etc. As a teen I was very active and continued to be until my early twenties when all of this started. What happens now when I attempt exercise is, I end up crashing after overdoing it, and unable to even do the basics for the kids, which is not acceptable for me so I just cut it all out again to make sure my priorities happen.
9) LACK OF APPETITE, NAUSEA AND SUGAR CRAVINGS - It's so strange to feel so sick at the thought of food and at the same time experience a crazy sugar craving. I relied on the white stuff (sugar and refined carbs) to get me through my days and actually became very addicted to it (more on that later). At the beginning of this year I went cold turkey on sugar for five weeks, then reintroduced honey and fruit, continuing to four months sugar free, and broke my addiction. I learnt that when I only crave carbs I'm not actually hungry. My body is so out of whack it usually doesn't give me the true hunger signals, and yet I suffer with
10) EASY WEIGHT GAIN/ WEIGHT FLUCTUATIONS/ BLOATING - I am the biggest yo yo er ever. If I wasn't so conscious of what I eat, I can't imagine how much bigger I would have been. I'm presently about 3 stone overweight even after losing a stone and a half. I've always been at the top of my BMI and struggled with weight. I often feel so bloated- my fingers swell and think I've gained over half a stone only to discover I've lost a pound. I find it difficult to regulate my weight and stay steady.
There are more symptoms but those are the biggies. Having spent more of my childhood than most in hospitals I know what REAL illness, the scary life threatening kind, looks like. So I've avoided the Doctor for not wanting to waste their time, and because they like to pin it on mental health because I have lived through grief and illness and trauma.
Really though, my quality of life is shocking. It has been for a while, and it's getting worse. I'm happier in my life and in my self that I've ever been. I am so in love with my husband and the three beautiful children we've created together. I've done healing work (though I know it never ends). I've figured out who I am and what I value. I've set boundaries, burnt and built bridges, drunk green smoothies, done yoga when the energy allowed (prechildren mostly!). I've got in touch with my intuition, culled the friendships that didn't swing both ways and lift me up, minimalised and feng shui'd. I've done pastlife clearing, essential oils, homepathy, reiki, crystals, you name it! All of those things are awesome and each helps me in its own way - but I don't have the ENERGY to sustain any of it.
Diet wise I've given up sugar, bread, meat, dairy, alcohol, caffeine at one time or another. Again I couldn't sustain these choices because I didn't have the energy to plan and cook my meals to balance these diet choices out.I rely on them to compensate for my low energy. I've beaten myself up for not sticking at anything when in fact I have ALWAYS put time and effort into my marriage and my children. Those things come first for me. Next on the list are friends, family, my home, and then my self care. It's too far down the list I know. But to survive, I've had to learn my non-negotiables and JUST DO THAT.
So what's the deal? The diagnosis? I have no idea. My suspicions include chronic fatigue, thyroid problems, anemia, IBS, wheat intolerance/allergy, dairy intolerance/allergy, high blood sugar and a few others. And of course depression and anxiety as a result of living a half life with all these symptoms. I am going to try and heal all this with diet. All of my family's and my own health problems has got me super interested in nutrition and prevention. I've read tonnes of books and it's time to put it into practice in an accountable way (Helllooo blog cliche!). That is going to be my one thing for now.
I will probably visit the doctor and get my bloods done to make sure there's no major red flags, and to find out exactly what my deficiencies are so I can work with them and that information. I'm prepared to take pills if I need to (multi-vit and prescription) but I do not want to be stuck on these as a way to maintain equilibrium unless not doing so will kill me. So back to the 'pantry' I go. I've minimalised my life and possessions, now it's time to do the same to the food that goes into my body every single day.