Who Knows Me?
It's amazing to still feel like so few people really know me. I don't pretend to believe in things I don't... is there really so much power in the omission of sharing your thoughts, your feelings, yourself? I keep so much of the internal parts of myself hidden, but more and more it feels as though the hiding is WORSE than pretending to be someone I'm not.
Does everyone struggle so much with revealing the depths of themselves? I think I have always had an awareness of how 'different' I am... my beliefs and principles are to me incredibly obvious, normal, natural - but often it seems as though I never want to do things the 'traditional way'. I don't do it for the sake of being different, I think from a young age I was always that way, and quickly learned (over and over again) that when you stand out and show your uniqueness, you are excluded and ridiculed.
Now at almost 25 years old I feel a need to get back in touch with my authenic self and I need to stop hiding.I've realised I can't help ANYONE with the gifts I do have when I won't share them. I've spent an awful lot of time in the last few years figuring out exactly who I am, after years of repressing. Now I feel like I know, and I have grown more comfortable around certain people showing certain parts of myself... but I still find it very difficult to be open, to share my inner workings - when I do I come away feeling vulnerable, raw, stupid, or like that person may not like/love me anymore. And yet I have a desperate need to be authenic in all of my activities and conversations. To wear 'who I am' on my sleeve - like it or lump it. To be who I really am and become who I really am every day. I guess it just takes practice.
I wonder is everybody so different and hiding it? Or do a lot of people just hold more traditional beliefs that don't challenge the status quo?
This blog has been for me, the practice of learning to open up. Reflections won't always be gramatically correct. Ideas that haven't been fully thought out, developed, or solidified may make their way onto its pages without censure. And I may make up new words to express my points (I believe language is a form of communication so if you understand my point it doesn't matter if the word is in the dictionary!). I will share incomplete notions because I believe that who we are and what we think is always in a state of flux. I've realised if I keep waiting for my opinions to be solidified on, for example, the religion vs spirituality debate, I will never speak about it. And I think this is the reason why I often don't discuss the things that matter to me... I am aware that in a conversation, everybody is right and everybody is wrong depending on what angle you look at it from. Two condractictory points in an argument can be simultaneously correct - and usually are.
On the other hand, I am afraid to reveal my thoughts at any one point in time in case people hearing/reading them assume that this is a concrete belief or a complete belief or opinion. My beliefs and opinions change every single day, sometimes several times a day. All it takes is one experience or a conversation or one page of a book or even just one strong instinctual pull to flip the world on its head again - and I like it that way - it's honest. Again I have no idea if other people find themselves going through this constant updating of their internal software - but I guess I hope so. I hope that the online medium of communication allows more people to figure out their own views on subjects they wouldn't usually delve into. Really I just want to share with anyone who wants to listen, while I figure it all out,
Much love, Bee <3 x
Does everyone struggle so much with revealing the depths of themselves? I think I have always had an awareness of how 'different' I am... my beliefs and principles are to me incredibly obvious, normal, natural - but often it seems as though I never want to do things the 'traditional way'. I don't do it for the sake of being different, I think from a young age I was always that way, and quickly learned (over and over again) that when you stand out and show your uniqueness, you are excluded and ridiculed.
Now at almost 25 years old I feel a need to get back in touch with my authenic self and I need to stop hiding.I've realised I can't help ANYONE with the gifts I do have when I won't share them. I've spent an awful lot of time in the last few years figuring out exactly who I am, after years of repressing. Now I feel like I know, and I have grown more comfortable around certain people showing certain parts of myself... but I still find it very difficult to be open, to share my inner workings - when I do I come away feeling vulnerable, raw, stupid, or like that person may not like/love me anymore. And yet I have a desperate need to be authenic in all of my activities and conversations. To wear 'who I am' on my sleeve - like it or lump it. To be who I really am and become who I really am every day. I guess it just takes practice.
I wonder is everybody so different and hiding it? Or do a lot of people just hold more traditional beliefs that don't challenge the status quo?
This blog has been for me, the practice of learning to open up. Reflections won't always be gramatically correct. Ideas that haven't been fully thought out, developed, or solidified may make their way onto its pages without censure. And I may make up new words to express my points (I believe language is a form of communication so if you understand my point it doesn't matter if the word is in the dictionary!). I will share incomplete notions because I believe that who we are and what we think is always in a state of flux. I've realised if I keep waiting for my opinions to be solidified on, for example, the religion vs spirituality debate, I will never speak about it. And I think this is the reason why I often don't discuss the things that matter to me... I am aware that in a conversation, everybody is right and everybody is wrong depending on what angle you look at it from. Two condractictory points in an argument can be simultaneously correct - and usually are.
On the other hand, I am afraid to reveal my thoughts at any one point in time in case people hearing/reading them assume that this is a concrete belief or a complete belief or opinion. My beliefs and opinions change every single day, sometimes several times a day. All it takes is one experience or a conversation or one page of a book or even just one strong instinctual pull to flip the world on its head again - and I like it that way - it's honest. Again I have no idea if other people find themselves going through this constant updating of their internal software - but I guess I hope so. I hope that the online medium of communication allows more people to figure out their own views on subjects they wouldn't usually delve into. Really I just want to share with anyone who wants to listen, while I figure it all out,
Much love, Bee <3 x